Charles, My dear friend
by Marian Louvre
Summary: After leaving the island, Erik wrote a letter to Charles. Just to get everything out of his head, to reach out to a friend for the last time before returning to loneliness.
**After leaving the island, Erik wrote a letter to Charles. Just to get everything out of his head, to reach out to a friend for the last time before returning to loneliness.**

Charles, My dear friend,

I was so angry when I met you. But you were like a new promise. You surprised me.

I understood quickly that it was the first time that I met someone who was an equal, someone able and above that willing to understand me. Or at least that was what I thought.

You became my best friend so fast. I was willing to trust you, something I didn't do since I was a toddler.

You changed the core of my being. You helped me to see something besides revenge and rage. My powers always were strongest when I'm mad and I fed from that. I couldn't think of anything else. It was the only thing I've ever learned. You showed me something new.

You saw inside of my mind. You saw the concentration camp, the overwhelming pain, the anger. But you also said you saw light inside of me. I was tempted to believe you. Perhaps I was desperately in need of that but I also was so much more afraid of it, than I was of Shaw. I knew what he was capable of. I cried and bled and died because of him. I knew what to expect. But I didn't know what all of this new feelings would bring.

Perhaps I am broken. And you, you were so full of a light I couldn't understand. You were full of love, even for the ones that have nothing on their minds but the will to kill us all. I on the other hand, just have to take a look at the tattoo with my number. I know that everything good can be taken away from you in a minute. That you can be completely innocent but find yourself in hell nevertheless, in agony, in the ruins of your own life.

I knew I couldn't let myself become so vulnerable again. I just couldn't.

But I didn't have to. Because you didn't even saw that. You can be so perceptive, you can open your heart but you failed Mystique out of arrogance and you failed me because you were even more afraid than I was.

You were my best friend. More than that, but neither you nor I could deal with that.

We were perfect as a team. I would never had thought that it would be chess, out of everything, that would mark some of the happiest memories of my life. You gave me strength, taught me how to control my power. You made me laugh, feel warmth, feel complete for the first time ever. With cracks and bruises but nonetheless somehow complete.

And then you failed me. You were willing to put me at their mercy again. You don't understand, seemingly you can't understand. You told me to stop, but I couldn't. You have no idea how afraid I was.

Shaw, you don't understand what he did to me. You didn't want to understand. You decided against. He broke me. I couldn't share that with you. You knew the facts but I couldn't find the words to make you understand my feelings. I wanted to save you from the void of pain. I didn't want you to feel my desperation, my agony, the pain that squashed me, strangulated me, and tore me apart.

I had to keep you out of my head and isn't it humorous, that it was him, who gave me the opportunity to do so? He made it necessary and he made it possible. I was alone again. You were gone. I pushed you away. It was the right thing to do.

It was Moira's bullet, fired at me that hit you. I stumbled, I fell to my knees to be by your side. And to see you in pain broke me all over again. I hold you in my arms. I just wanted you to be on my side. Forever. This was just about you and me. About humanity and mutants but at that moment it was so much more about us.

I just wanted to protect you for the rest of my life.

But you said, "You did it."

You chose her. The human woman. She tried to kill me a minute prior!

After all you finally made a decision.

You called me your friend. Just to tell me that we don't have the same goals. And even if it broke my heart, all I could do was to go, leave you, because you had already left me.

Perhaps I bring ill luck. You were hurt because of me and I will never forget it.

You declined my love. I might love you forever nevertheless because you touched my heart in a way nobody ever did, before you broke it into more pieces than before. I'm not sure if you just didn't love me or if you were so afraid of the fact that you were in love with another man. I don't care about the prejudices humans established. You care. You're a coward, Charles.

You will always be my biggest regret. Perhaps I should have been braver but would it really have made a difference? You were so willing to please the C.I.A., the public, to care about your reputation. If I had told you that I'm in love with you, that I fell for you, Charles, would it have made a difference?

I would give a lot to borrow your powers for a moment, just long enough to find out for sure what you feel for me, if you feel for me, if you are convinced that you did the right thing.

I love you so much that I think I'll forgive you everything over time.

I love you. I always will.

Erik

 **He never gave the letter to Charles.**


End file.
